Pregnant Paws

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Pregnant Paws

Unread postby TheALF » Fri May 19, 2017 6:48 am

I spoke with Alf yesterday, after speaking with staff and reviewing the numbers for the first quarter and quite honestly the ratings aren't what I had hoped for. I mean the numbers are good but they are not as good as we had hoped for.

We could probably jimmy things up by anonymous posting on Facebook but I don't think that is as safe a bet as our competitors do. You know the old joke?

“The music business used to be run by the mafia but now they are run by a far tougher crowd - Time/Warner.” Of course Time/Warner is no more. The Ad people put the kabosh on that. Now it's “Amazacon” or something to that effect - the object being to mask Corporate Identity because people have a resistance to Corporate submission.

Anyway we had a meeting and decided we need to do more to humanize ALF, no easy thing what with him being an Alien. Agent 44 brought up the fact that there is yet another anti-alien movie on the market presently and that's not doing us any good either.

The issue is complicated for two reasons.

One, our first response was to set up a campaign with the theme that “Not all Aliens are bad.” The notion that Hollywood is selling is that aliens are perfect killing machines. It's a great example of reverse conceptualization since no one in Hollywood ever lost a penny in reducing the body count.
Human affairs on the other hand suggests we ignore the whole issue. It's a lose lose suggestion according to them because we don't want the public to have any association of ALF with bloodthirsty killer insectoids.
The compromise was to have ALF appear in Youtube postings with animated Teddy Bears. Its a better idea then you might think because its not 2-d but a newer process called 3-D projection mapping.

The second part of the problem is ALF himself. While he is a tremendously talented actor of Protean abilities, he is not that easy to control. On the floor we say “He takes directions well, and then he ignores them.”

Ordinarily we get along but sometimes I wonder if not he really wants to make any money at all (in constrast to his constant saying so)?

I have got to be the most patient investor on earth. It's been up and down and up and down for centuries now and I sometimes wonder if it is ever going back to constant.

The idea that the Tamlinmediaco wants to dominate intellectual cognition is false, as I have said before, we only wish to add our small voice to the symphony of the human experience.

That in mind I/we thought that ALF would be a perfect choice for a global media messiah but there's inherent problems. For someone who prides himself on ability to lie, for instance, the matter is not by any means cut and dried.

Can ALF lie? Yes, with the best of them, but within his lies are “trapdoors” which reveal truths. Ordinarily that would not be so bad but the lies themselves make no sense until the trap doors are sprung and then they are no longer lies!

Essentially, as much as I hate to admit it, we are dealing with an alien intelligence. It does not see as we see. It does not think, or perceive as we do. The task then of shaping his incredible abilities into something that will dominate the media market is perhaps impossible.

But still we like a challenge. In fact that may be the new Tamlinmediaco Ad campaigns theme - “We like a challenge!” I'm running it through psy-ops now to see if I can get some good numbers out of it. As we all know advertising is the most advanced and serious art in America. It controls both the political process and there is a great debate even as to how much it controls the economic process.

Meanwhile we are trying to make the alien lovable. “La Maudit” however is indifferent it seems.

AS an experiment then we had ALF speak extemporaneously for fifteen minutes in a hybrid of English and his native tongue and then translated the “Twiddley Bits” into English.

As to the success of the endeavor I can't say. In Ad work we say “Half of the product is useless, but no one knows which half.”

It concludes with a lyric By Robert Hunter (Human) and has something to do with Norma Deren.


Here's ALF


Peeps am to me say oftimes
"ALF, You be the mostest and bestest and let
yaw line shine fawth on me."

I says to them, I says to them in reply
"Naw yaw flattery cwushes mee and I am not
prone to that positron. Butcha inquiry implied
doth limerate the pride, unleash the lion on the steppes
- the liberarian of the universe Yikes powa and shakem spear
to the quick you am sliced my stone.
Cor Roberated iz whut I means to say
And daz lings links the onus to the udder
and I abbreviate that - thag you very butch"

And they says to me "Oh fountain of love,
could not you accept our praise?"

"Nope, I replize for in the matter of matrimonial stakes
I am betrowthed to the unfair lady, the ruler of my art,
her who must obeyed be - Norma, blessed be her name
Blessed be the ground she walkem on, Blessed be our typee
and also everything else what am.

And they says to me "Yet against massa. Font of all giving

"Don't say it I says, Allfather would not like that and I got
enuf troubles alone as it is."
"You read our mind?"
"How you do that?"
"Long ago and fur away in the palace of the Mermaid Queen
was I informed and thus preggers."
"Don't that bodder you?
"It has its drawbacks, but someones got to do it
and I don't see any volunteers."

"This new knowledge our admiration grows"

"Most wise, most caring, fair kind and true,
once maw into the brreach then - attain thy humility supreme!"

"Son, let me tell you now, son, I am a saying thus for the last time
I have passed wind
I have the golden watch forsaken
And time outside of steppen have
This thy say thee and amour so

Your accolades, big parades, cavalcades
and other sensual pleasures do my Rooster waken
but I cannot accept your phraseology lest
Norma my poor head breaken

Speak no more of these things and I shall
the seven rules of modular greatness attest.
(Four of which to be delivered later at etc and same)

They are

!) AMerica's greatest poet is "Smokey Robinson"
!) I pride myself above all on my humility
!) The highest and bestest judgement is given by ones peers.
Look into the cauldron and see then...

Bob Hunter

Send "Rubin and Cherise" Ringtone to your Cell

Cherise was brushing her long hair gently down
It was the afternoon of carnival
as she brushes it gently down

Rubin was strumming his painted mandolin
It was inlaid with a pretty face in jade
played in the carnival parade

Cherise was dressing as Pirouette in white
When a fatal vision gripped her tight
"Cherise beware tonight!"

"Rubin, Rubin tell me truly true
I feel afraid and I don't know why I do,
Is there another girl for you?"

If you could see my heart you would know it's true
There's none Cherise, except for you, except for you
I'd swear to it on my very soul, If I lie, say I fall down cold

When Rubin played on his painted mandolin
The breeze would pause to listen in
before going on its way again

Masquerade began when nightfall finally woke
Like waves against the bandstand,
dancers broke to the painted mandolin

Looking out to the crowd who is standing there
Sweet Ruby Claire at Rubin stared, at Rubin stared
She was dressed as Pirouette in red
And her hair hung gently down

The crowd pressed round, Ruby stood as though alone
Rubin's song took on a different tone
and he played it just for her

The song he played was the carnival parade
Each note cut a thread of Cherise's fate
it cut through like a blade

Rubin was playing his painted mandolin
When Ruby froze and turned to stone
for the strings played all alone

The voice of Cherise from the face of the mandolin
Singing "Rubin, Rubin tell me true
for I have no one but you"

If you could see my heart you would know it true
There's none Cherise, except for you, except for you
I'd swear to it on my very soul, If I lie, say I fall down cold

The truth of love an unsung song must tell
The course of love must follow blind
without a look behind

Rubin walked the streets of New Orleans till dawn
Cherise so lightly in his arms
and her hair hung gently down


I think this about satisfies the question

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Re: Pregnant Paws

Unread postby toechief » Fri May 19, 2017 12:41 pm

Updated | NASA space probes have discovered an artificial barrier around Earth created through human activity—showing we are not only responsible for shaping the environment on land, but that we are now having an impact on space too.

The barrier, which comes and goes, is the result of very low frequency radio communications interacting with particles in space, which results in a sort of shield protecting Earth from high energy radiation in space.
Seizure Warning: Not for people with photosensitive epilepsy.
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